Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I might be wrong & I actually want to be; but these days I feel disconnected with God, though I am very much aware of His constant presence everywhere. I don't know what the reasons are, but I find a gap between Him & me. I can no more find that peace I used to find in salah. Everything now goes for a formality & can't be helped. I was since ever socially poor, but it never bothered me as I had my God to talk to, to share everything with, but now I feel seperated from Him like a child seperated from the mother longing to return back but unable. Missing much that satisfaction of prayer which is lost somewhere & it's a very big deal to a girl like me, a girl who would turn to Allah for every little thing, who had a concern for the self, I now offer namaz, stare at the rug for a minute & fold it up because I don't know what to ask for, & more importantly how to. I sleep untill the sun is out & complete, with no guilt of missing my fajar. I present my body in namaz while my mind remains unattended. I feel ashamed. I feel I have grown too weak spiritually. I am afraid this already grown weak connection may break anytime. I don't want to get connected back to God because He solves my problems, He solves them otherwise too; I need to connect to Him for my own inner peace, to not feel anymore betrayal to my own soul. My soul which is starving. My soul which is not with me. My soul which is sleeping with no intention of getting up. They say "Move one step towards Allah, He will come 10 steps forward", but I am too tired to take even this one step. Why am I so tired to turn back? Where am I going? What if I would never be able to return? What if my heart has been painted black? These scary questions need answers. Is this my lack of faith? How can that be? May be it is so but I don't want to accept it, because I still want to be the old me & it dissapoints me to dissapoint my God & to not know how I can be helped.